Today has been the exact example of why nobody should ever hold back from saying how they feel. The rage within me is excruciating. I almost feel like running at a brick wall. So many things got to me. So many things hurt me. So many thoughts and so many emotions.

Last night was, aside from horribly wrong and sinful. It was magical. The way I feel when I’m with him. The way he makes me feel. I love him, I don’t know to what extent but I do. What I love most is this crazy connection we have and that no matter how much we push each other, we always end up where we’re supposed to be.

I think I died a little when he told me about Jackie the whore. Why would a friend do that? Though why would anybody do anything. I’ve just learnt to accept things. Accept the worst because majority of the time that’s what’s real. Eventually I’ll get over it.

Right now, I’m confused. I’m confused to why he’s moody, upset that I know he won’t open up. Full of wonder about the extent of how much he likes me but in the back of my mind I know he won’t fall. He basically tells me that, all the time in different ways.

I don’t know what direction my life is headed in and this week I’m not bothered to care. All I’ve done all week is miss my grandpa. I’m smiling on the outside but crying within. I’m so mad, so angry I feel crazy. I feel like somedays, life isn’t even worth it.

Married couple? Surely fight like it. He doesn’t see through me yet. He doesn’t get the tweaks that people who know me well do. It’s like playing a game of bullshit and he doesn’t catch my bluff. I must have an amazing poker face.

I act like the biggest bitch because it masks everything else. It makes me not hurt. We’re pretty much the same. He doesn’t open up. He’s like padlocked down and I have no fkn key. He gives me no clues on what he thinks or feels or anything. It’s so frustrating.

Time with him is simple and easy. It’s fun even just sitting there and listening to him talk whilst looking at that cheeky smile. I don’t want to stop chilling with him. He pushes me in the right direction.

I don’t see myself as pretty or anything remotely close to it but his acceptance makes me feel that way.

I love J I really do but I love the friendship M and I have. The communication. The way were so hot headed and there’s this massive baddaa bing when we fight we literally both click crazy mode.

I care for him. Everything he has told me about. I worry about him. I just wish things were as simple as being around him is. I wish he would let me in

So quickly, so deeply, so confusing. When something feels right even when it’s wrong. She doesn’t want to see people hurt, she doesn’t want that again. She feels, she feels disappointed. With nothing other then herself. She is confused. She has so many emotions running through her clouded mind. She can’t tell anyone other then the two. It’s something that must stay buried. She puts on a brave face but secretly she’s dying. She wonders why this happens. Is it all a game? Does he feel the same? Does he care? She convinces herself out of what she believes. She’s scared, uncertain, she’s a mess. She’s destructive. All she wants is to make sense of it all. She needs answers that she will never get. So she goes on, alone, she can do this. Everything happens for a reason. Reasons unknown